For example, when in relationship we automatically tend to believe that there are two separate and distinctive entities, or individuals, functioning within the relationship. In Buddhism, this view is referred to as the Dualistic, Relative or Conventional Way of perceiving reality. In the West, this is the primary and perhaps only way that most people understand and live with.
According to Buddhism, however, there is more to the story -- much, much more. Buddhism introduces another way of perceiving reality that is sometimes referred to as Non-Dualistic, or the Ultimate. This perspective provides a very different view of the same reality that we perceive in a Conventional Way, but provides a very different understanding. The two views co-exist and yet cannot be easily reconciled with each other, very much in the same way that Classical and Quantum physics co-exist in modern science today.
When we look deeply with meditative inquiry, we find that from the Ultimate perspective what we interpret within our normal experience as two, totally separate objects (i.e. subject and object) are not two, totally separate objects at all. Subject and object are actually two sides of the very same coin, or two reeds that "lean upon each other" for existence with a third reed often referred to as a "base". This means that part of what I experience when I experience 'you' is you and part of what I experience is 'me'. This is a profound truth which has the power to liberate myself from much suffering.
If I truly understand what this means, then I can see that part of my responsibility in maintaining any relationship with another is to constantly be aware and "on alert" to the beliefs and ideas that I have about the other person.
The other thing that the mind has a tendency to do is to make things that we consider to be "good" look better than they actually are, and to make things that we consider to be "bad" look worse than they actually are.
This is often experienced in romantic experiences. In the beginning, the other person is so beautiful and has so many wonderful qualities that makes us happy. However, as it is often the case, later on they may become a source of much pain and suffering for us. We may even begin to see them as our enemy, or as someone who can hurt us and destroy our happiness. But what has changed? Were they really so different way back when? Or has part of the change been perpetrated within my attitude towards them without me even being aware of it.
When we bring a belief or idea about someone to a relationship, we color the other person with our beliefs without even being aware of it. To us, it looks like the other person really and truly possesses all of the horrible qualities that we now see in them. As long as we are not aware of this activity, this becomes a habitual way of relating to each other. If our perception of the other person has become sour, then our experience and life with this other person will become sour as well; we may experience fear, insecurity, jealousy, frustration, anger, hatred, confusion, and so on...
Developing an understanding of the Ultimate Truth about how things truly exist can bring about a type of clarity and understanding that can restore happiness within our mind, and deliver us from the negative habits of making others out to be either more or less than they truly are within our own mind.Not overstating another's positive qualities and potential will help us to adjust our expectations of this other person to a more healthy and realistic level. And not overstating another's negative qualities can help us to keep everything in perspective, not be overwhelmed by them, and not forget all of the positive qualities that do exist
According to Rodney Smith in a recent article from Tricycle magazine:
Undisputed is the essential understanding that the Buddha’s teaching moves us from a contracted, isolated entity called “me” to the freedom and interdependence of our empty and selfless nature.
and,
We suffer because we imagine that reality holds options that it does not, and we then infuse energy into those mental choices (attachment), ultimately resisting what is and creating dissatisfaction as a result. All this is done within our thoughts as the thinking mind embellishes the images of our fantasies and creates alternative stories and possibilities.Buddhist understanding takes us away from the traditional, or Conventional View of a separate "me" and a separate "you", asserting that neither possess a fully independent nature. This is what is meant by the Buddhist term, "emptiness". It doesn't mean that nothing exists, but rather that we (as well as everything else that we perceive in the Universe) do not have a separate nature that exists fully independently of everything else. Everything depends on everything else. Nothing that we perceive can stand on its own - alone. Everything is interdependent; everything exists only because of everything else. Everything that arises is dependent upon something else. This is because that is, and so forth.
According to this view, what we perceive as our "self" only exists in relationship with everything else. Even though this is contrary to our experience, a fully independent self simply does not exist. And furthermore, nothing at all exists in a fully separate and independent way outside of relationship.
It is the coming together through my experience of relationship that creates reality; including the reality of me, the reality of you, and the reality of everything else that I perceive.The experience of existence within relationship is the coming together of many conditions the least of which is mind finally collapsing the infinite number of particles and subparticles from pure energy into what we perceive as matter, or "reality". It is the coming together of "particles of potentiality" through the activity of the mind that is responsible for bringing what we perceive as separate and distinctly separate "things" into being.
In fact, the "me" that I perceive is the result of many conditions and processes that have come together at a particular point in time. Literally billions and billions of events have occurred in order to make the experience of a "me" possible.
Part of this coming together of my reality includes choice, that is, the choice that I make in terms of how we view my reality, and how I act according to this view. Most of the choices I make are made purely out of habit. Many were made by my ancestors many hundreds of years ago and passed down to me in the form of habit energy without me ever being aware of it.
It is only when I cultivate and practice the activity of Mindfulness that I gain true freedom of choice. I am free because I am free from the misconceptions of the past, the faulty notions of our ancestors or community, and the automatic reactions to circumstances that only serve to bring more confusion, disharmony and unhappiness.With the practice of Mindfulness, I am able to sit more comfortably with whatever arises with a mind of patience and acceptance. Sitting quietly and patiently, I am able to pause as conflicting thoughts rise up within my mind and tempt me to act out upon them. With practice, I am able to refrain more and more from such actions which would only cause further pain and suffering. This is how peace is born within me, and it is the only way for peace to grow within the world.
As Thay has reminded me from time to time;
We are our actions.
And we continue always, either more or less beautifully - depending on our practice.
